me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
not for long
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I can fix him.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?