Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Put the is in disheveled
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
2 years later
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
and now we wait
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
This 4th of July, please remember…
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*