When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
TODAY
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.