my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Plant care tips
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital