Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
fair
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.