ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
bias laundering edition
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
This is the coolest video you will see today.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock