I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
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Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.