Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again