I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
You Might Also Like
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Monica just destroyed the internet
i’m still crying at this
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.