After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
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[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…