a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
You Might Also Like
Meowchelangelo
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
181.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus