Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.