(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.