A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…