When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”