Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko