Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.