Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it