time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
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Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.