Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.