You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.