glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
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If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
We have a winner.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
A drum solo but on your face.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
💻🤡
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit