Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
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Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.