Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Happy Caturday!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window