Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*