me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
quarantine day 3
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
sry
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so