next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
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If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I think I’m having a stroke
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same