There are usually two types of merchants.
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Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Home #decor warning.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males