is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.