the best thing i’ve ever made
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Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Not😆🤣
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]