In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman