You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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Me trying to reach for my goals
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next