[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
You Might Also Like
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?