JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
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Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
What’s so funny?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried