I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
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I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.