{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
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“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved