Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
checking out some reviews of my local library
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line