Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?