Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
You Might Also Like
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein