contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
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Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Mmmm canned fish.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”