A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.