Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
😂 amazing answer
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Always
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?