Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.