Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
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I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*launders Kohls cash*