Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
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*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses