Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Wait a minute
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
absolutely not
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister