In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
You Might Also Like
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
can I use a minion as a tampon
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”