I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
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I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh