If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
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The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.