My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
You Might Also Like
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?